It is always difficult to let go of a beautiful distraction before you're ready to. It is difficult to when the world seems to move on to springtime without you. It shouldn't take me by surprise the way it does, not like it doesn't happen every year.
"Beauty and the Beauty," that is the story that we all clamor to see. No one cares much about the cook in the bakery who made the 5 tiered wedding cake. No one much cares about the florist who took so much care making a bouquet of delicate flowers. I feel like that girl... the one who works so hard. The one who is capable. The one who is always doing things for others... for nothing.
All I want is to be noticed. All I want is to be appreciated. All I want is to be pursued and desired by those that I am willing to likewise desire and receive. Is that really so much to ask? For a love story that is my own? A real one... with an A, not a reel one... with two Es, for show.
I want to be with someone who "gets" it. Someone who will argue with me over things that actually matter. Someone who sees that argument as my care and concern for a relationship, and not as me being a nag or problematic. Some who knows that my love language is quality time, and won't be inclined to find that time with me tedious or unnecessarily time consuming.
I want to be with someone who knows that I sleep in sometimes, someone who will be okay with it, because he'll be a morning person who won't mind waking me up when the alarm clock doesn't work. I want to be with someone who can motivate me, someone who can make me laugh at anytime, and will have no problem hugging my face into his chest when I just need to cry and ignoring the tear stains that stay on his shirt afterward. Someone who knows that ice cream and a nap can truly fix a lot - and knows that cookies and cream is my favorite without having to ask over and over, because he will care enough to remember after I tell him the first time. Someone who doesn't mind that I sometimes spend hours in the bath, and (maybe kind of worries when I) sometimes fall asleep there. Someone who'd like to travel with me would be grand too. I don't know. There are a lot of things I'd like to like about him. Things I don't think are too much to ask for.
I see others - happy, sweet, engaging with each other. From outings to game nights in - they have places to go and things to do - together. I have places to go and things to do - alone. Always alone. Only alone.
My seeming contentment with my single life is beginning to sound like bluster in my heart-head. And my heart-heart breaks again - not completely, it just cracks a little more. So, I tape it back together with my favorite brand of pseudo-nonchalance and resiliency... before it falls away from me in chunks irretrievable. I cling to the advice, "what is meant for you will not pass you by," and cry tears no one sees... not even my own reflection.
And I am patient. And I am kind. And I wait. Someday it will be my turn. Someday. But Someday has begun to feel like an unending infinity of tomorrows that are never truly attainable.
It is 3:30 now and I'm tired. I may tell people that I starfish, but I'm really just a single spoon inside a mountain of pillows who can only imagine what it is like to cuddle.
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